1999 Joseph's darkness

Confirmation, confirmation to a mission.

Stability in a shell, an assassin

A snail on the edge of suicide.

Blank sheets of paper, stretched

Over a bed, stained

Rupturing the essence of irrationality.

A breaking point.

Bone, bones

Termination of decent restraint ... Prejudice

Don't think, do ... Die

Air, time.

I am the middle man

I am also the naughty child

I am you today.

Naïve voices and tunes

Company at kindergarten

The children carry guns.

I imagine what it would be like to not know.

But I do.

Strange documents pave the way

Dorothy's yellow brick road.

I fear colour and curiosity

I am taught

I am not sold.

Mission , 'Mop up'

Clean the kitchen and start again

I am the middle boy; I will find lions, and tigers and bears.

I laugh hilariously at bloody, bleeding surfers.

So bizarre is the irrelevance of what I see before me.

Stop the noise - Rule 1

Kill the people - Rule 2

I don't care any more

They'll all kill themselves anyway.

I am not weakened by death ...

For I know.

Dead boards, dead bodies, floating and exploding,

Unified, seasoned with salt to taste.

My fears are frozen in a freezer of thawing companions,

We fly together in a hail of hot fire.

I eat a dust cake for lunch and chew PK for my bullet breath.

'A yellow gas for your thought', someone says.

'Fart, and you'll fucking die', I reply.

Those fucking savages.

For now I am colour blind.

And think. of nothing but if it hurts to piss in the morning

We think this war is going to end, but the future shows me where we will fight forever.

I have left the coast to look for a fruit.

I hear things

That which hasn't happened haunts me.

I premeditate.

We save one another, but I hold the stake

I question my fate and admire my mission.

I could have been a cop, but I like myself better, and

So do the little boys with their guns much harder than their dicks.

I decide to have more disciples than Jesus,

I decide.

I am like what they are, but I know more.

I play with my men, like a child burning ants,

A magnifying glass in the sun,

So, hot,

They thaw and burn in their own fire.

I feel I saved many men from themselves, from me,

I vow to be the snail.

'Reward us with cheap thrills, for that is what will ground us' I cry,

To the sky, but

Cum stains on army blankets can't really save any of us.

I watch through a cage

I don't jump the bridge, but sit as though waiting for -

Something.

I know it's not a bus.

I am still thinking ... I know I shouldn't,

But I can't stop.

I'm addicted to my own mind.

Childish games tease the pain of adulthood.

My mission chains me to age, acceptance, and then

Understanding

I like it

I don't revert to spoon - feeding and toilet - training to survive.

Some do, but then they have lost arms and legs.

One man senses his worth and shoots himself in the head.

He is unable to offer us more.

For once I admire mankind.

The river we travel now; slithers snake - like through the country,

Another wound in the surface of the earth.

The river exhales on us the breath of the beast - nature's soul,

It ails us often, so

I inject myself into her veins,

Inside her realm is unidentifiable, as is my own, freedom.

Freedom

I kill.

I kill if it means finding life.

I kill if it means finding fences to contain the insanity of my thoughts, survival.

Survival

I must be able to relate to my mission to survive ...

I must leave my comrades behind.

I realise I am learning.

My men don't understand my intentions.

I am leaving, they don't trust me anymore.

I am becoming,

I tell them -

'I don't need help getting anywhere but away from myself'

My mission becomes my guide.

I am bait.

Finally I am cast out.

I end up in a trench.

I feel there are more men here like myself.

I ooze out of the darkness like the man of my mission.

We are becoming,

Like him I don't want to turn back.

I love the depth of the earth, endless,

Like the depth in my head.

Curiosity makes me think my minds worth risking, and I anger as easily as the jungles I enter.

Occasionally peace drops in like a stray dog.

More often than not it's a drug induced stagnate peace.

Eventually the dogs disappear.

We forget to feed them

Mother, Nature.

I am not scared though the end of my mission is near.

I feel it's close, so close.

Close enough for me to hear it at night,

Scratching, scraping at my door with knarled, clawed hands.

'Let me in'

I want its touch.

I'm itching for it.

Arrows of savagery spray my thoughts, and kill my new friends.

I wonder about my own preservation.

I am certain I will survive, but it will be alone.

At times pink smoke surrounds us.

This I am told and yet to believe, for I am colour blind, still.

I ponder this element of femininity and realise I am no longer the middle - man.

I lust after myself and beat my meat till it bleeds.

In my dreams I recall the serenity in the inanimate life of the boat -

The one I sailed earlier with my comrades.

Drifting, gliding, led by forces that were out of my control, to which

Now I feel safe to embrace.

We approach others again much more like me - they're black.

I enter the void.

Reassurance is felt in the death of these others, yet I revolt at their lack of restraint, especially in the man with the

camera, preservation.

Mindless little man,

So full, on the edge, but unwilling or unable to jump.

Is his mask; drugs, stupid or smart?

I sense the man whom I seek is already in me and he's not crazy,

Not yet anyway.

His disciples will be mine.

I shall learn from the man himself when I've reached the edge, then

I will push him over, though I think he will do it alone.

Still I sense he would rather I did it.

I can feel it, him,

It makes me nervous, am I ready?

Savagery surrounds us in its most potent state,

I am beckoned.

I eat guts, and watch meat thaw between my lips,

Drooling

Saliva, dribbling, dripping down from my chin,

A red grin.

The main man makes his shadowy presence known.

He melts at my feet, yet airs a strength I am as yet unable to define.

The wildness of time and revenge is released in me,

Like a slow painful injection in to my scrotum.

Others party with suicide, but I only acknowledge the atrocities in my mind

I also choose to live with them

But not with him.

The killing of a bullet - proof man.

He tantalises me with suggestions of partnership, the future,

And drops a head in to my lap.

'I cannot see its eyes, I cannot see its eyes', I scream.

It is now or never.

I know what I must do.

We are no longer alike, he is an animal.

I must ensure he sees no new horizons.

But, he knew more about what I was going to do than I did.

'You can kill me, but you cannot judge me', he whispered.

I would not befriend his horror, yet.

For now I would take control of it.

Save the snail,

Cage the dog.

He pushes me.

I worship the king; irony.

He pushes me again and I am persuaded.

He'd teach me about my own death if I wanted to know everything,

But one of us has to survive.

A sacrifice

I play with tools of death and waste myself.

I vow to uphold his work in body, but never in mind, for it is not safe.

No man could live with his mind.

His disciples sacrifice an animal, and so do I.

I take his life and grant him the respect of a God, but

hope he never returns.

He eats the soil I give him with hunger.

He's the snail.

Falling he disappears,

I fall with him but soon fly in the glory of my restraint,

And for the knowledge I have been given.

Stagnate peace forever, but life, after death for me.

A vampire balancing between two worlds

The continuity of time in a ritualistic slaughter of control,

Transcribed by the legally insane.

Convenient civilisation ... A cover for the development of this greatness.

I will return, home

So much more there for me to destroy.

For now, I know little, but will use this time to learn more from the jungle,

And then I will return.

I am the main man till I call on the red, dead, eager hands of my successor.

He will be welcome.

I'll want my death.

He'll see me, and want to be ... Me.

I am the man,

I am the dog

Darkness transcends me ... Alone

I open my arms to its brutality and whisper,

'Tell me, tell me, tell me'.